I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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