I want to have your abortion
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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