Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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