Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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