I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
