Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
