I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
