dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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