I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
