I'd wear matching sweaters with you
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
