Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
