she woke up with a sticky ear
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize