Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
