My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
