we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
