Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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