We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
