i wish my penis had a tongue
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
