Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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