This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
