I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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