Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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