You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
