Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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