Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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