using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
