I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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