my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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