Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
