Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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