I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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