what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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