Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
