she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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