cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
