I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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