The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize