fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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