i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
