apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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