when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
