Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
