my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dick very happy bro
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
