i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
why is half of my head shaved?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
