She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
