just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
