Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize