I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
