Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
