your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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