mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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