if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
