apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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