i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
