I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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