My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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