I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need a beard to bite.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
