i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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