im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
