My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
