im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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